


Sam and The Darkness

by RuthlessBallard



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: Depression, F/M, Please don't read if you're in not a great place, Suicide, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2020-02-10 19:43:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18667108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RuthlessBallard/pseuds/RuthlessBallard
Summary: In his final moments, Sam Healy reflects on the little bits of love he could receive from a woman he could never have and the love he would never receive from the family that didn't want him.This story was inspired by the incredible story "Passing Ships" written by Laney1728. Seriously, go read it. It's amazing.





	Sam and The Darkness

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Laney1728](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laney1728/gifts).



It wasn’t real. 

That is what Sam Healy has forced himself to understand. The love was never real. Not from his mother, never from Katya and achingly not from Red…no….Galina. When he did, alone, he could pretend she was his. 

It’s pathetic how starved Sam had been for love. 

He just wanted a mother like his friends from school had. He just wanted a mother who would hold him when he was hurt or ill. It would be ok if it wasn’t for long, just a moment. He just wanted to come home to her and her home baked goods. It didn’t have to be anything fancy, just something to munch on while they shared what they did that day. He just wanted a mom who would see him. He just wanted a mom, not a perfect mom but still a mother for him. Being woken up from his mother’s tirades at three in the morning was exhausting and having her disappear to the hospital only to return as a zombie was even harder. He knew she loved him in her own way but she never really expressed it. Never through her words, her touch, nor a selfless act. She was so lost in herself, in her mind and with the demons that plagued her. He didn’t want her as someone else. He just wanted her love.

When he grew from a boy to a man the hunger for love only intensified. He wanted the simple life. A wife, maybe some kids and a little home with a white picket fence. The American dream. Sam went on dates here and there but could never really get a hold of a steady girlfriend. He knew he was awkward but he tried his hardest to be charming and courteous. Sadly, when he did manage to catch the fancy of a woman his hunger became apparent and he would move too fast. He would cling to any strand of love there was to offer and the woman would flee before he could drag her down with him. He understood. It hurt but he understood. Tired of playing the field, Sam decided to take fate into his own hands. Then he found Katya. She was beautiful and kind. Sure he fibbed a bit about how successful he was but he was himself. Behind a screen he was invincible, brave, confident and easy going. She seemed to enjoy their conversations and very quickly agreed to marry him. She asked if her mother could come to America with her. 

“Finally” he thought “A mother to love me and a wife to hold me.” 

When she deboarded the plane, took one look at him and frowned he should have known how doomed they were. She was cordial until they were legally bound and then she was cold. So cold. He assumed that a new country and a new husband scared her. He assumed she was protecting herself. He spent money he didn’t have to please her. He read up on Russian culture and struggled to learn the language. Nothing he did surprised her, pleased her or even phased her. To be unwelcome in his own home was so much worse than being alone. He didn't expect his wife to worship the ground he walked on, just invite his company. He didn’t want his wife to be obsessed about his whereabouts, just ask about his day. He just wanted some of her kindness, some of her attention, some of herself. He just wanted her love.

Love and even simple kindness was a luxury in Sam’s life. He was teetering on the edge. The murky waters of his mind called for him to let go. 

Yet, suddenly, there was Galina. 

He was new to the job after a long stint of unemployment and was thoroughly enjoying his first gig with full benefits. Though he was urged not to, he tried his best to make a bond with the prisoners. They were criminals, yes, but they were people as well. Most ignored him. He kept his chipper demeanor none the less. Galina was just another face when she was first processed in. She was wide eyed and quiet. He showed her around and she didn’t say much. When he finished the tour she turned to him, looked him in the eye and with a small half-smile she gave him an earnest thank you. An unexpected micro dose of kindness. He took it happily. 

Over the first few months of knowing one another, Galina was an unexpected healer to Sam’s darkening condition. Once in a while she would surprise him with a small dose of kindness even as she grew tougher and sharper. A smile in the hallway. A laugh at his joke. A dessert appearing at his station. They developed a friendship and it had become a lifeline. Much like the online relationship Sam once had with Katya, the prison walls allowed enough space and authority for Sam not to mess it up. 

Anyone would be either blind or an idiot not to notice that Galina was, and always will be, very attractive. She was a fascinating mixture of sharp and delicate features. She held a haunting gaze that could captivate even the most impenetrable of creatures. Her looks were never the main reason that captivated Sam. It was her mind. She was well read and very observant. She could see the world in such interesting ways. Sometimes, they would sit in his office and discuss philosophy or politics. It was such a breath of fresh air from Katya’s gossip or curt greetings. The friendship sustained him despite his ever growing attraction towards the fierce woman. 

It was enough until he tasted more. 

He found her in the hallway. For a moment, he thought she was spacing out and approached to tease her. As he drew near, he realized she was fighting back sobs. Her hand was pressed against her mouth. Her eyes squeezed shut. He was just a security guard then so there was no office of his to escort her to. He knew she desperately needed privacy. 

“Come with me.” He murmured to her

She didn't respond but she didn't fight him either. He guided her to a rarely used storage closet. The moment the door closed behind them she released a ragged gasp.

“Yuri won’t speak to me! Vasya isn’t missing me anymore and I’m pretty sure Dimitri is fucking the college tramp he recently hired for the shop!” She wept “My boys don’t love me! They don’t miss me! I mean nothing! I have no family left to love me! No…one loves me….”

Her voice trailed off as she hung her head. “No one loves me.” Her words pierced him directly into his heart. 

“I could love you.” He whispered

“No, Sam” she groaned “You don’t under….”

Her words were cut off by a kiss. He pressed his lips hard against her. Any other day, any other moment, he knew he would’ve been slapped across the face. Though that was the moment that for once, someone else was in the murky waters with him. She returned the kiss. Quickly, the kiss escalated to something more. For the first time in his life, Sam had someone who needed him as much as he needed her. Their tryst was quick and frantic. It was over before they knew it but it meant everything to Sam. Naturally, he assumed that meant they were in love and that was the start of a love story for the ages. She shut that down quickly. 

“And how do you think this will work? Hmm” she hissed behind a stack of produce after he tried to sneak a kiss “I have to serve fifteen years before I’m even considered for parol! Fifteen! This isn’t something we can keep under wraps for a year before I’m released. It’s impossible! What if I fall pregnant!? It wouldn't be long before all fingers be pointed to you. You could go to prison for rape! I can’t ruin another life, Sam. Let it go! Let me go!”

Her words stung at the most tender pieces of his heart. He pleaded. He pouted. He grieved. Eventually, he accepted a full blown romance just wasn't in the cards. She was hurting him but she was doing it to protect him. He took that understanding and used it as his kindling to keep him warm through Katya’s coldness, his mother’s insanity, and his bleak existence. Like a fool, he placed all his hopes and dreams on a single person. He could survive on just friendship and fantasies until a natural death. 

He almost did, until Galina needed a kitchen.

She was always kind to him. Sure she would mostly speak to him in sarcasm and snark but she never ignored his needs. She was someone to confide in or simply share a laugh with but she always kept him at arms length. Until suddenly, her tone would soften when he was around. She appeared to be fresher, brighter. She allowed him to share space with her. She was less Red the inmate and Galina the woman. Then a realization hit. She had less than two years left of her sentence.

“This isn’t something we can keep under wraps for a year before I’m released.”

Nearly twenty years later, it could be. She was divorced and Katya agreed their marriage was only a technicality by then. How could it be cheating if there was nothing to cheat on? He was ruined. He nearly skipped when he walked. He searched for ways to find her in the hallways. He found himself giving her little gifts or favors. He imagined life with her outside the prison walls. He always did but this time it was so much more tangible. It was all so beautiful and actually real. 

Then one day while talking over tea she mentioned she needed “passion”. She looked at him and suddenly as he looked into her eyes he was once more a younger man in a tiny closet. His heart pounded against his rib cage. Love was tangible. Love was real. Love was his. She mentioned burns and lesions. It dawned on him. It was a lie to get her kitchen back. Her sweet smiles and light touches meant nothing.

He punished her. Ignored her and then forgave her. He was weak for her and later understood she was simply surviving. Sadly, that didn’t erase the fact that her betrayal began a rapid and inevitable decent in his mental health. 

As each day passed by the more Sam realized how insignificant he was. The prison would keep running without his help. The prisoners would simply be given another councilor. Frankly, the women would be relieved by his absence. He didn’t really have friends or family asking for his company. No matter what he did the world simply kept going about its business the way it always wanted to.

His final decision to exit this reality was from the smallest of moments. He was in a laundromat waiting for his clothes to dry as he read the news on his phone. As he scrolled through the latest celebrity gossip and what foreign leader was about to be the end of America, he stumbled upon the headline;

“New York Prison Riot; Litchfield Ladies Demand Justice!”

It wasn’t the story that shocked him but his reaction to it. Nothing. He felt nothing. No indignation that he wasn’t informed his place of work had been taken over. No shock or concern about the consequences the women were to face when everything finally died down. He didn’t even fret about the well being of his dear Galina. He felt nothing. 

For years he had been bobbing just above the murky surface of his dark emotions. He could stay afloat. Then one day he just stopped kicking his feet and slowly he slipped deeper down. Slowly, he grew cold and then numb as he made his way to the bottom of the ocean. There was no more air gasp for. There was no light left to see. There was nothing but Sam and the darkness.

He was done. 

On a Thursday night, he dressed is his only suit. He enjoyed an old fashioned American meal and a delectable Russian pastry. He sipped on a fine whiskey as he listened to the tunes of George Gershwin. With the last of his drink he toasted to the woman he could never save, the woman he could never love and the woman he could never have. 

With the last swig of whiskey still burning in his belly, he closed his eyes seeing glimpses of heaven. 

A tiny closet. 

Blue eyes shimmering with tears.

Shuddered breathes and gentle hands.

On that Thursday night, Sam Healy bid adue to this world as the sweet sounds from record player played on.


End file.
